An Ode to YOU
My life story(little) and a letter to a special Someone.
How can I even begin to summarise about YOU?
For it would be incomplete to end it without saying anything about YOU.
YOU were there in the beginning.
YOU are here now.
And I know YOU will be there in the end also.
It is a joy to co-author this life with YOU. (50-50 remember?)
A silent prayer before every exam. "You will give your fifty and I will give mine." The result always, "How did she do it?"
Looking back I guess you were always there.
Under the lone tree (in the beginning) in first grade.
Under the banyan tree during lunch time (in the middle.)
Under another tree (at the end) in twelveth grade when I wanted to give up and run away.
YOU were there...a silent witness to my tears and anguish.
The silent statue always there.
My 'best friend' through thick and thin. Cringe they said, "How come?", this world said. But I don't give a....anything about them. You know I don't follow the rules. Never with the crowd always different...always the honest 'Black sheep'. Never thought they would sacrifice me.
•Yendha kai Yenna thalli vitucho andha person a ava race laye win panni First place vara veche.
The girl with the Scoliosis coming first beating the trained professionals.
• Will never forgot the 100 meter? I guess... ground field scaling race leading with nobody in my line of sight. The air on my face a victorious song.
"You ran like the wind", a captain's praise, a phrase to frame in my memories called life.
Amidst the blaming, bullying, taunting and insults YOU were there...You saw it all. YOU vindicated me and made them take back their words.
• Yendha per munnadi yenna 'Black sheep' nu sonnangalo adhe per munnadi 'The most disciplined girl' nu entire classaiyum yennaku kai thatta veche.
• Yendha vaayale yenna thappa pesunangalo adhe vaayale 'Indha ponnu madhiri oru student varadhu nu' solla vechi yenna jeikavecha.
I am so proud to call you my Best Friend, my Comrade and Partner.
Just when I thought I could take a rest from all the running... I fell. So deep I didn't think I could move forward again.
A few triggering media scenes which traumatised me, a past trauma resurfacing, a realisation of a condition I thought was nothing and a new problem added to my monthly suffering.
Those days of repetition. Those dark days I never want to experience again even in my dreams. The never ending nightmares. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep only continuos repetition to make the horrible scenes go away. Only YOU saw what I was going through nobody else. Maybe I hid it well.
Then in the same hospital I was born in an empty room with no one by my side. Turn to the left YOU were there in the form of a crucifix. Weird yet poignant.
"We meet again like the first time I saw you when I was a baby huh?"
Was this a funny anecdote in the game called life for you? I mused. Coincidence? I don't know.
Like a baby I had to do things from the beginning. Learning steps. A person to assist, a person to help. Every day a battle to be fought in the confines of my mind. It looked alright. From the outside. But it was only you who knew my turmoil and pain. Still I persevere Even Today.
"Do you believe in Him?"
A silent question. Weird for a therapist to ask. "Yes", came the answer without wasting a second.
Was it a part of your great play?
A different day, a different therapist beginning with the words,
"Kartharin aasirvadhame ayisvarathai tharum."
Funny I thought. Weren't you guys all about science?
Every day I start from scratch. In the mean time YOU consoled me through videos, songs and words tailored for me. Encouraging words through life both in the form of living and the non living.
• Had different dreams...nightmares a lot, demons whom I've fought..(and won victoriously.)
Your name a silent plea on my lips. "Who is He?" came the taunt. "Your Father" came the reply.
• In the midst vastly sparsed were Your dreams like golden glimmers.
A beautiful Hand, a beautiful picturesque sky. A verse that explained "I have you in the palm of my Hand."
• Another dream...a tall man in a white dress and red sash with shoulder length brown wavy hair quietly sleeping unmoving.
Two dreams which I'll never forget.
• The first one where there is oil being poured on my head from an overflowing bucket. An oil bath I guess. Next to it an old kind of fat, short man with white beard(could be like a prophet I guess) if I remember correctly, asking me, "Do you not want it?." As in are you not going to stand under it. I said sure and stood under it. I was showed two other different paths that my family members took. One was a 'Dove' symbol which my Mother went towards. The other I guess was like a guiding/saying to others about the Lord which two of my sisters took. I think these were different paths my family members took when it comes to the Lord. Gifts or symbols of the holy spirit. I got anointing oil. I don't know for what reason. I can't become a king. 😁 Maybe a queen?
• The second dream that I would never forget...YOU and Me walking together on a road with an autumn yellow landscape(my favourite). Once again a tall man in a white dress with shoulder length brown hair. And green eyes I think? Unmistakably YOU. A revelation that you are there in this walk called life.
• Three or four times I've given up on life. But I'm here now I guess. Went through all those thoughts, ideations, anxiety, OCD, PMDD and depression. Still going through actually. Not to forget Scoliosis and other health problems.
I know the darkness. A quote I once read that said, 'You stare at the darkness for too long and the darkness begins to stare back at you.' I know what it feels like to drown without drowning. In my dreams I've went through the bowels of the earth. Saw Satan's lair in a sense. But Thank God I came up. YOU showed me that it was nothing. Nothing to be afraid of. Thank YOU for pulling me up I guess. Thank YOU for always meeting me on that lonely cliff.
[To my Family Members, friends(those who were there for me in that dark period of time and even now) Thank you!!...My supporters, near and loved ones. Thank you!]
Last but not the least....YOU!!! Yes YOU.
Today YOU'VE once again reminded me of that dream where I had a walk with YOU by sending me this beautiful birthday postcard with the autumn yellow leaves in the background. A little MIRACLE. A PROMISE.
I think it's time to keep my promise and so here it is my heartfelt letter to YOU.
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